Many women who go through a miscarriage are surprised by the depth of their grief. ‘How can I cry so much over a baby I’ve never met?’ Worried friends and relatives may also try to make them ‘feel better’ with phrases that actually make them feel worse. ‘Look on the bright side, at least it happened now and not later!’ (That’s like saying ‘At least you got hit by a car, not a truck.’ Or, ‘You can always try again!’ (Even if that’s true, a second baby isn’t going to replace the one you’ve lost.) Then, there’s the favorite, ‘It was God’s will,’ which doesn’t assuage the pain at all.
Your faith, and your feelings, are two different things. Understanding a loss doesn’t make it easier.
Grief is natural, and necessary. This article can help you through the healing process.
Once a mother, always a mother
Your baby lived inside you. You had a profound connection, and a great love, that has nothing to do with how much time you had together. Whether you had six weeks, six months, six years, or 60 years together, he wll always be your child and you will always be his mother.
As a mother, you have a right to cry for him, miss him, and long for him. Will the grief always be this intense? No, it won’t. The human spirit is resilient. The grief and the pain doesn’t disappear, but it becomes easier to bear, and one day you will see that you have adjusted to your ‘new normal.’ But your child will always be a part of you–and even the most beautiful part of you. You have loved someone with all your heart and that love is never wasted.
A person’s a person, no matter how small
Give your baby a name. If it helps, you can write a letter to him. When I miscarried my first child, my ‘grief journal’ also contained a lot of tear-stained letters expressing my love, my guilt, my sadness. It was very cathartic.
Brace yourself for reminders
It may be difficult to see other pregnant women, especially those whose due date is similar to yours. You may also find it hard to be with babies. Don’t blame yourself for this feeling. You are not a bad, selfish, bitter woman, just a mom who’s hurting. You won’t always feel this way, but now, you need to be kind to yourself. Don’t put yourself in situations that will pain you unnecessarily, and don’t add even more pain by hating yourself. Let the feelings flow; they will cleanse you, and help you heal.
It may help to be with other moms who know how you feel. Online support groups like missfoundation.org are a good start. You can also talk to non-judgmental friends and family, who will listen and not force you to rush the grieving process.