How strict should you be, as a parent? Should you closely monitor where your child goes and what friends he has, or should you step back and allow him to make his own mistakes? Should you insist that your 14-year-old daughter waits till college to have a boyfriend, or do you accept the ‘new trends of the times’ and even invite that boy she’s been hanging out with to join you for family movie night?
To thine own self be true
Experts say the same thing: there is no cookie cutter approach to discipline. You have to tailor your discipline approach to the child’s temperament, and to your personality.
It’s easier said than done. But part of the parenting skills you will naturally develop is a sensitivity to your child’s situation. If your tween looks like she’s getting distracted from her homework, and her grades go down, then you may have to monitor what she does after school. However, your other child may be self-motivated, and does well even without any prodding. To avoid looking like you play favorites, you just have to explain to them that it’s not about setting the same rules, but being clear about consequences. ‘If your grades slip, I have to do this. If you prove that you have self-control and self-discipline, I can do that.’
Set clear boundaries and expectations
Which brings us to another point. Set clear boundaries, what’s acceptable and unacceptable behavior, as well as consequences for specific behavior – natural or imposed, negotiation for terms, middle ground, that’s what growing up and relationships are all about. This is particularly crucial for surviving the teen years.
Know your child
The most important thing about raising a child is to know your child. Know her strengths, manage the weaknesses, support her where she’s weak. Do you really know what your child is like? Make a list of the things she likes and dislikes. Set regular bonding times. Develop lines of communication. If you know her better, you’ll know how to discipline her. You’ll know how to relate with her.
For example, a willful child with a strong personality would require the parent to harness his energy to point him in the right direction, without crushing his willfulness or his confidence. Such a child should be given options but as much as possible, limited to two or three. A more sensitive, shy and reticent child would need a more encouraging parent, one who roots for the child and coaches her to build her confidence. Such a child should be given a lot of leeway to make mistakes and allowed to make choices with emphasis on her opinion.
Know what’s developmentally appropriate
Young children lack the ability to discern basic right from wrong and require a more authoritarian style of parenting. An authoritarian style is set by guiding the child on the most basic level; its very directive and the parent controls almost every aspect of the child’s environment.
Older children can work within a more democratic framework, especially if you have set the right values in place. Within that style, children are given clear parameters of what they can and cannot do and can work within a certain degree of freedom. Knowing their likes and dislikes allows a greater understanding of the parameters of freedom they can have, as well as the limits.
Photo from the-parenting-magazine.com